What is self-hate? This is a question I asked myself a couple days ago as I participated in a Facebook hair group of nearly half million women who are intrigued with natural hair. The 4c hair group is dedicated to individuals who are looking for guidance when it comes to taming or amplifying their natural mane. I have found a love/hate relationship with the group. I truly and dearly love the pictures, suggestions, and personal experience of the sisters who all decided to do a big chop and learn how to manage what comes naturally out of their heads. However, there are times, many times, when the love that I have for the group turns to animosity for the stupidness of some members who entire existence revolves around the personification of their natural hair.
So what triggered my approach in writing a blog about this group? Well, several things. It could be the conversation from a week ago where I witnessed grown ass women rip a mom a part from putting too much weave in her daughter’s hair followed by the next week of praise for a mother who put a lot weave in her daughter's hair. I guess the final straw is the post where a woman asked if anyone had regrets about their 4c hair. All three post with participant’s shallow minded commentary bothered me so much that I had to mention it on my YouTube channel. However, let’s stick with what really grind my gears about the dialog from the regret post.
It was the people who idiotically hound the women who came forward with their regrets about having 4c hair. The harassers proceeded by antagonizing women who were honest about their 4c regrets by saying, “How can you regret something you are born with?” followed by, “Self-hate is real in here.”
OMG! Like, what the entire fuck? The women who said things like this completely pissed me off! I questioned if they even knew what self-hate really means. How can you determine that a person hates themselves based on them having regrets about their natural hair? The reason why all of us are even in the group is because we actually took the time to evaluate what type of hair we had and wanted to know more - out of love for understanding how to manage our natural hair. After all, I am pretty sure many us were use to having relaxers because it made it easy for our mostly single mothers to comb our hair and go. Not to mention other hairstyles like a jheri curl were popular in our youth too. Overall we generally stuck with the regime our mothers incorporated in our hair routine - kinda like how we stick to our mom's religion.
I once asked a friend about her hair type and she told me that she didn’t know because she believes that it is another way to divide black women. I took her remark as being snide, but now I completely know what she means. Some of the natural hair women in the group showed me the divided. Natural versus relax. Self-love versus self-hate. Us versus them. Com'on it's not that serious.
I recently went natural but not for the experience of portraying my pro blackness. I was pro black before I went natural. I can honestly tell you that I have not protested or participated in causes supporting my blackness one time since being natural meanwhile I protested a handful of occasions for black lives matter while rocking my creamy crack proudly (well kind of, I wore a hat many times with shades because it's hot as hell in Houston.)
Some women in the 4c Facebook group have a false sense of identity wrapped entirely in tight coils and curls around who they are and just because they're team natural feel entitled to saying they love themselves more than black women with relaxed hair. Being a woke natural gives no reason to downgrade black women because they don't want wear their natural hair. It sure doesn't give a natural a reason to berate another woman who honestly has regrets about going natural.
I don’t like the woke natural hair warriors biting at black women who choose to wear their hair as they please or feel the need to disparage those with regrets. Hair does not take away from who you are – it is a mere addition. I only wish some black women could see hair as an attachment and stop putting so much emphasis on something that is a figment of them, hair is pretty much worthless (unless you're cutting it to sell at a beauty supply store). Hair is an accessory and has absolutely nothing to do with your soul, who you are, or your morals. Hair will not help you get man, earn more money, live more blissfully, or make you a better person.
Let’s just be honest here – there is no self-hate involved in not liking your hair or having regrets about it. If it was, we wouldn't trim pubic hairs, shave under our arms, shave our legs, wax our upper lip, or pluck our eyebrows. So please for the love of humanity, stop trying to make hair more than what it is! And to my natural woke hair warriors (thanks Ang for that inception) take the time to look up the definition of self-hate before you give the title to others just because they choose not to rock their natural hair.
Self-hate = intense dislike of oneself. (Note - it has nothing to do with hair.)
So I'm in a Facebook group with nearly 500,000 followers who love black hairstyles. I usually just look, like, and comment as needed. I'm more careful about what I say/post because I can see that the women in this group can either be very comment friendly or vicious. However, I can't get over the latest post of two little girls with different hairstyles with weaves. One received praise while the other didn't stand a chance. This got me to thinking about the weave I put in my own daughter's hair. And now I am wondering what makes it look too much and too grown?
I did it! I'm not totally convinced that I'm sure why I decided to do it though. My mind races with reasons as I type this...maybe it's because I like a change or maybe it's due to turning 35 next week. It could have something to do with wanting to feel my bald head, wanting luxurious natural curls, or being tired some of the same blonde hair/style, or it could be my upcoming European holiday has me losing it.
Out of all of these different reasons, I think the primary one is a need to discover my natural hair. I've had a relaxer since the 3rd grade. My daughter is currently in the 3rd grade, she is 8, so that makes nearly 30 years of chemicals. What the hell am I hiding under there? I need to find out!
To prepare myself I spent a lot of time surfing the web searching different hair types and wondering which type is mine. I loved looking at the coils, curls, and organic beauty of the women's hair with particular interest to TWA (teeny weeny afros).
I have always loved short hair. My hair idols are Halle Berry, Nia Long, Monica and Toni Braxton. Their hair can't compete with their flawless beauty, and the confidence to know it and show it is what makes me love them. Short hair compliments sex appeal to me, and it shows that your hair is as an accessory, not you. The confidence and fierceness Halle, Nia, Monica, and Toni exude is how I want to feel in a natural state. Hopefully, I can move toward the ladies fashion sense and workout regime too, but it's one step at a time right now (a girl is wishing!).
I told my husband my plan to go short and natural, and he was intrigued. If you have been reading my blog, then you know he is from Scotland. Yes, the beautiful green cold place where the guys wear kilts (for a formal occasion). In Scotland, there aren't many blacks, so Donald has very limited experience with black hair culture. One of the many reasons why I love my him so much is because he will take the time to discover what I care about, including my hair. He knew this hair cutting thing is a big decision for black women and he took the time to read a couple of articles about the big chop. The day of my haircut he talked to me about an article he read where it discusses the emotional stages of the big chop. I assured him that I didn't qualify for those stages since my hair barely covers my ears. Side note - it's day 5 and no emotional hair problems here.
The new cut has me feeling absolutely amazing. Comfortable. Very very comfortable and I love co-washing and rubbing my hands over my head. I feel every bit of confident, beautiful, and free - for now.
I'm looking forward to watching my dedication play out. Let's see how long I can keep this look up.
Honey getting slayed by color hair Goddess, Mesha Ollie, will have you feeling like you're riding on a glittery rainbow with a Starbuck's macchiato, wearing Ray Ban sunglasses while singing Beyonce's Ego. Last week, this is exactly how I felt after Mesha worked wonders on my mane.
If you have been following me, then you know that I have been partaking in a hair growth journey. I made it a year without a haircut, but I couldn't take it anymore. It was time to do something drastic to defunk my hair routine. A brilliant cut, with lively colors and spectacular curls, is all I needed to get my inner futuristic Dorothy Dandridge on.
And guess what...I did! Never felt so beautiful and stunning in my life. I walked in the door, and my kids yelled, "Fantasia!" I blushed for a hot minute, and it radiated through all of the pictures posted on my social media accounts.
If you are ever in Houston and needing color added to your life I definitely recommend Mesha Ollie visit this link for more information.
Yes, yes I know it is a strange addiction, but I have to admit it. I need to get it off of my chest. I have to let the world know that, I - Alisa Elliot is overwhelmingly involved in using filters to enhance my (every) pictures [insert sad face].
A couple of years ago I couldn't understand the hype over filters, and I remember staying away from the technology because I thought it was photoshop. Fast forward to today, and now I don't like posting a picture without using a filter.
The problem is - I look like a 35-year-old me. The lines under my eyes, the crow's feet beside my eyes, and my crooked smile from being an avid thumbsucker is completely showing my age.
I should be proud, though. I hold my weight pretty good at 5'6 (technically 5'5 3/4), I've birthed three kids, and I've had an interestingly (hard) path - I started being a mom at 15. When I went to therapy at 30 for being confused about life, I was told that I had lived a life of a 40-year-old. So now that I am turning 35 this summer that means I'm mentally turning 45 - but why must I see it around my eyes?
I never really been bothered about looks until I started YouTubing and seeing celebrities my age on tv holding down their beauty remarkably well - no lines, no wrinkles, just flawless. I think it's unrealistic to put these expectations on myself, but I can't close my eyes and pretend as if I don't see it. I see it! I want my emerging wrinkles to move around. BUT not on my face - not on my watch!
Makeup is the trick; filters will help increase the magic however when I look into my seven year old's eyes when she smiles - there I see it. She has my smiling eye creases, and I love it! Her smile warms my heart, and the lines under her eyes show me my DNA embedded in her. Will I tell her to look for creams to hide or minimize her future wrinkles inherited from her mother? No, no I won't because I want my daughter to be her beautiful self. She is confident, care spirited, loving, smart, and reminds me that I have done something right and I see it in her lovely eyes.
Here is something that I have wondered about for a long time - how can I get my eyebrows on fleek?
I am not 100% there yet but thanks to watching YouTube I am getting pretty close. Recently I have been bombarded with compliments about my eyebrows, so I felt the need to do a tutorial. Now I still have a couple of milestones to lock in my Fleek zone. However, I do believe that I am close to mastering it.
Washing your hair in between relaxers can seem like a job. I use to hate the struggle myself until I created a wash routine that has helped me lessen my dependency on creamy crack. It took some time to find the right products that compliment my hair but now that I have the recipe - I am not letting go.
Question: How often do you wash your hair? How often do you flat iron your hair? And, how often do you get a relaxer?
Answer: It all depends on my wash routine. I wash my hair every 8-10 days and flat iron my hair 3-4 times a week. In between flat ironing, I wear headwraps to avoid applying extra heat to my hair. I go without relaxers as long as I can maintain my hair with a good wash and daily routine to keep my roots and edges manageable. I probably get less than 5 relaxers a year because of this (I apply my relaxers at home).
I am interested in learning about your wash routine. Let me know your hair type and what products you use to maintain it between relaxers.
Finding protective styles for your hair can be a tiresome task. Skip all the sew-ins, braids, lace fronts, and extensions for a stylish headwrap. All you need is a yard of decorative elastic fabric from your local Jo Ann Fabric & Craft, $11, and 3 minutes. Save time, money, and energy with this no fail stylish look.
Danni is my seven-year-old daughter who enjoys reading, drawing, singing, dancing, hair, glitter makeup, and YouTube. She is a true girly girl until it's time to comb her hair. Danni's least favorable activity is sitting down and letting me rake through her beautiful thick 4C mane. Learning the proper way to take care of her hair is a journey. I want to get to a point where she enjoys getting her hair comb, and it doesn't feel like a task but a fun activity. In this product review, we use E'Tae Hair Products in hopes that it will make our hair combing experiences more pleasurable.